When Julie Swetnick accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of organizing gang rape parties, she said there were witnesses who could verify her accusation. Unfortunately, one of them is dead. Undaunted, CNN and the New York Times have announced a joint undertaking to interview the dead witness. CNN president Jeff Zucker said, “We’ll keep digging to get to the bottom of the allegations against Judge Kavanaugh. We’ve hired a medium to hold a seance and communicate with the dead witness.” New York Times publisher Pinch Sulzberger said, “We have to get this dead witness on the record. Death can’t stand in the way of the truth.”
Democrats have already demanded a new round of hearings, though they’re concerned the testimony will be a little stiff. New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand stated, “I believe the dead because they are bravely and courageously coming forward. I mean, what do they have to gain? They’re dead.” Republicans have hired an independent medium to question the dead, fearing that if living white men question the witness, they will be seen as anti-dead. Democrat Senator from Hawaii Maize Hirono said, “the dead should be believed and the living should shut up.”
A senior official at CNN has said there are likely many more dead witnesses who want to come forward to testify to the committee.
A Democrat Senator speaking on condition of anonymity said, “I’m optimistic that the dead will testify in our favor. After all, they always vote for us.”